The Expat Files: Living in Latin America

The Expat Files

-Some prepublication news about my new book “The Expat Files Guide to Love and Romance in Latin America - “Clear Eye Syndrome”; why blue or green eyed adults, adolescents and babies have a real leg up in LA life. And why blond, fair skinned, blue or green eyed Expats have that very same advantage in love, romance and business down here (and you don’t even need all three, or even two of those traits… blue eyes alone will win you the LA lottery). - More of what long-term Expats DON’T miss about the 1st World. -Food safety and food inspections are almost nonexistent. A recommendation; don’t eat meat unless you know the farmer. On the other hand, the seafood is terrific, but as usual, there are some caveats.

The Expat Files

-In response to the many emails, Johnny Mueller expounds on what the vast majority of long-term Expats DON’T miss about the 1st World. And it’s quite a list! -Some truths about the weather down here that will really take you by surprise, and some facts about the climate only local Latins and Expats truly understand. -Having that beach house getaway (everyone’s desire) and how Locals and Expats can, and do, pull it off. -If you want all of the 4 seasons, you can have them, but only in ‘southern’ South America. -What happens if you’re delinquent on your property taxes (or a non-payer)?

The Expat Files

- When home grown Latin Businesses try to copy 1st World methods, there’s always an obvious fatal flaw (to us not them). - In response to the many emails that continue to ask me the question; what do I miss about the 1st World, if anything? Here’s a list of things that Expats living down here miss about the 1st World. - Books, literary folks, reading in general, libraries, and observations on the fatally flawed Latin (so-called) intellectual class.

The Expat Files

- Driver’s license issues. What happens when you get pulled over and your 1st World license is expired? (sometimes it depends how much cash you have on you). - Two ways of getting a driver’s license in Latin America; the cheap (but very long and tortured way), or the very fast(and more expensive way). - Tips on how to drive legally down here even if you only have an expired US or other 1st World driver’s license. - The unsettling facts and hurdles Expats encounter when trying to obtain permanent legal residence status in a Latin country (and all about the fancy ID cards that go with it). - In L.A., they don’t issue temporary learner’s permits for beginning drivers, but if you have one (lets say from Australia, which is good for 5 yrs) the cops will honor it like a full driver’s license (since they don’t know any better). - The Latin American driver’s test (it’s sure not like the one you took in the 1st World).

The Expat Files

- New product guarantees and warranties are tricky. You do get them all right but they almost always cover half or less the time period you get when purchasing the very same product item up in the 1st World. - What about products (or a car) you’ve brought to LA and still under US or European warranty? Are you covered? Probably not, but there is a special Expat maneuver you can try…. - Tips on finding which retailers and stores give the best/worst warranties and/or general repair service on appliances, cars, etc. - The somewhat delicate and special case of having your computer maintenanced and repaired, and how to stop those ‘format’ crazy Latin computer geeks from wiping your hard disc every time you have a glitch. - Extended warranties, they’re never worth it… except ....

The Expat Files

- Income and business taxes. What Expats can expect to pay to a corrupt, horribly inefficient, and generally useless tax system that gives you less than nothing back in return (no I’m not taking about the IRS). - Why extreme underreporting and tax evasion in general, is the Latin national sport (along with soccer… and they call that football?). - How average locals and astute Expats go about reducing income and business taxes using legal, quasi-legal, and outright illegal methods. - Why smart Expat small business owners don’t put themselves on their own payrolls, or pay themselves by check (say what?). - Here’s another excellent reason not to ride the local chicken buses; In the last 5 years, 630 bus drivers were shot to death en route during extortion and robbery attempts. And that’s in Guatemala alone (a country with only 14 million people!).

The Expat Files

- When First World “do gooder” donations go bad,… And why that “feel good” effect doesn’t feel so good after a while. - Autism in Latin America. What’s autism? 99% of Latinos have never heard of it, there’s no statistics on it, Latin governments don’t want to hear about it, and why its way off the radar. - For our disabled Expat wannabes; could living down here be a good, inexpensive option for you and your hi-tech wheelchair? Could be, and you’ll be surprised at the how and why. - Coping with serious medical conditions and disabilities like diabetes and kidney dialysis. What about physical therapy and long term care? Are Latin health care providers up to it?

The Expat Files

- What you should do when in the process of getting robbed, and the truth about trafficking in stolen ID documents (yours!). - How to secret away a second(and very secure)set of ID documents, in case yours get lost or stolen. - Why I don’t recommend living in Brazil (though everyone else who’s NEVER been there does). - Personal car and rental car tips; how to keep your vehicle from getting stolen (which is guaranteed to ruin your vacation and cost you dearly, even though you’re insured, or you think you are). - Secret places in your car where you can hide your valuables (and when, where and why it’s sometimes recommended you do just that).

The Expat Files

- More on hospital, medical costs and health insurance. - How extreme levels of Christianity (and Christian hypocrisy) fuel the Latin population bomb. - The unrelenting pressure to have kids (and other facts of life) if you ever end up marrying a Latin. - If atheists and agnostics are alive and well down here, they're awful deep in the closet. - Where area all the ambulance chasers? The state of malpractice and malpractice insurance and why doctors almost never get sued. - Anonymous S.A. corporations in Latin America and the wonders they can do for low profile Expats.

The Expat Files

- The safest, as well as the most dangerous, countries in Latin America. - The truth about crime in Central America versus South America, and why most parts of South America are so much safer than C.A. and safer, in fact than the USA. - When bullets fly in nice residential areas; a personal story. - Latin America; where road rage is the rule. - Robbed at gunpoint at Burger King; another personal Latin American Wild West story. - Expat tips on keeping a low profile.