The Expat Files: Living in Latin America

The Expat Files

-Johnny announces his upcoming very special Latin American Insider’s seminar -Catching up on emails -For many reasons, its not generally recommended that 1st Worlders settle in LA tourist towns, but there are certain types of tourist towns that are very good bets for Gringos hoping to start businesses. -Another novice Gringo error; when starry-eyed Expat newcomers open businesses that butt heads with other established 1st Worlder’s in similar businesses -DIY solar hot water heater units; another slam-dunk business idea for expats -The Latin turtle laws and the ongoing turtle fiasco -How about a LA college education at a high-end private university? You can get one at about 25% of the cost of a mediocre US community college or state university, but…. -The “Gringo Advantage” as it applies to Europeans

The Expat Files

-Why do so many Latin American politicians get shot or killed in the days leading up to an election, and who is responsible?

-The do’s and don’ts of bidding on, and winning, Latin American government contracts

-More of what you don’t know about what really happens inside Latin American

Politics

-“CAR WARS” (starring Expat Eddie): Eddie illustrates some new reasons why its never a good idea to own a nice new car down here

-Putting your money in a Latin American bank (or not), and if so how much?

-The Citibank saga in Latin America and how they stumbled into a “Gringo Advantage” (on steroids)

The Expat Files

-Some notes on LA attorneys; did you know that they are actually admired and not in the least bit distained or hated down here? They’re much more laid back, like small town US lawyers were in the 1950’s and 60’s- NOT the high pressure shysters we’re so used to. But watch out for lawyers in highly promoted tourist areas like Costa Rica and Panama, they’re the slimey 1st World style exceptions to the rule.

-Why 90% of the time, an LA lawyers will advise you NOT to sue! (what a breath of fresh air!)

-Notes on my 1st trip to Coast Rica in the early 1980’s, before the boom, and why it reminds me so much of my other favorite “off the radar” LA countries today. How when down in CR, I had a ridiculously simple and obvious business idea that would have been an instant success- but instead of pursuing it I did what 99% of Gringo tourists do about their fleeting ideas, NOTHING! And when I came back 5 yrs later, a few local guys began doing it (badly) and making money!

-My Mayan calendar predictions for 2012 (they differ a bit from the local shaman’s)

The Expat Files

-Language essentials; how much Spanish do you really need to know to have the confidence (and understanding) to open up a small business in LA? Here’s my own story of my early days stumbling around in Costa Rica and Columbia; and how I managed to start more than a few successful businesses with only about two dozen simple Spanish words and phrases under my belt. -Even the most retarded Latin government bureaucrats realize that advanced 1st World countries manage all business, technology and the sciences in ENGLISH. Based on that fact, most LA school curriculums now make sure every Latin kid in both public and private school is taught English in both grade school and high school. Sounds good, right? So why do 95% the kids who graduate have practically no functional English at all? (except in high volume tourist areas where knowing English means tips in US dollars!) Here are the facts on why that system fails so miserably (and will continue to do so), and why that failure includes students all the way through the PUBLIC university level (And I’m not trying to be a 1st World snob here). -Your (and my) bad Spanish and how Latins deal gently with us -Ten more reasons why you’ll be infinitely better off down here in LA when the next big worldwide economic and social disaster(s) hit- and the clock is ticking

The Expat Files

- An update on how a few astute Expats, 1st World has-beens , and Latin locals are giving very successful business and self-help seminars down in LA. Though most seminars are dated and quite useless, they're still very popular with the LA business crowd due to the gullibility of Latin attendees who'll buy just about anything if it’s perceived to be fashionable in the USA (or presented by some self-proclamed 1st World business guru). -The lowdown on the “lag time” it takes for all 1st World trends and innovations to filter down to LA and why that predictable phenomena is such good news for Expats and wanabees with an eye to start a business. -Due to a severe lack of disposable income, middle and lower class Latins rarely throw anything away. Instead, they find new uses for their broken down old stuff, and it sure piles up! -There’s a dearth of wild animals in (and near) LA cities over 50k population. Mostly because there’s a sad tradition of young middle and lower class boys and teenagers killing everything that moves with their Huck Finn precision slingshots. It’s a sad rite of passage handed a down from father to son and one big reason why toucans, parrots, monkeys, snakes and sloths etc., are very hard to find in the cities and burbs (except in the outback). -Restaurant stories; Examples of how even high-end very successful LA restaurants are lacking in basic details and customer service. Less than mediocre competition and obvious low standards are yet another solid reason why Expats in the restaurant and hospitality business do so well in LA (despite the well known poor odds for those enterprises in general)

The Expat Files

-Answers to some politically incorrect emails

-The real politically incorrect dirt on illegal immigrants in the USA, and why they continue to commit irritating cultural gaffs once they slip into the states

-The tragic hidden social problems that infect a huge percentage of not only the poor lower classes, but middle class Latin families too; namely endemic physical abuse, alcoholism, infidelity and incest

-Why it’s better for a man to shop at the local Latin produce market than a woman, and why a woman always gets more for her money when she brings a man along

-1^st World trans-nationals and landed franchises DO NOT practice equal opportunity hiring or standard workplace policies in Latin America. Because this is the 3^rd World and they don’t have to and can absolutely get away with it!

-Get em’ while they’re hot; Jesus, Mary and Joseph and mixed Nativity scene shopping bags! They’re all the rage down here during the holiday season. Even the gun shops down here hand happy customers their brand new Xmas Glocks and shotguns in religious-themed shopping bags (not to mention shopping bags from all the "Victoria's Secret" clones). Talk about mixed signals- ya gotta love it

The Expat Files

A word about “Gringo prices” and “local prices” and how to get around what can often be a huge markup for 1^st Worlder’s as opposed to what the locals pay (especially at tourist sites, national parks and in tourist towns). Even so, tourists rarely complain since Gringo prices seem cheap by 1^st World standards.

-Some cutting observations regarding how Latins stereotype European tourists and other non-US 1st World travelers

- The Latin American love-hate relationship with Spain and with pure-blooded Spanish tourists they might encounter (most of whom put on airs, have exaggerated self-importance, and look down their noses at their 3^rd World tan-skinned kissin’ cousins); even though Spain has 25% unemployment and right behind Greece and in line to be dumped by the EEU

-The telltale signs of steady progress. Or, how to know when your own kitchen Spanish shifts from being embarrassingly bad, to merely occasionally lousy, to you actually being able to somehow converse with mumbling children and drunks?

-Why you should take extraneous compliments or praise from Latin guys with a grain of salt. However, compliments made by Latin women are different. They’re much more reserved then Latin men and more likely to be sincere when dishing out the flattery ( so guys- take note when that happens)

How Latin American government tourist boards pump millions into 1^st World ad campaigns, half the money gets stolen, and the other half that goes into real paid ads has practically has no effect on tourism at all

The Expat Files

-How to orient your own mind geographically when discussing various Latin countries. Remembering where they respectively on the isthmus or the South American continent can be quite confusing. Well, now there’s a neat way to get them straight!

-A bit about those three oddball non-Latin countries smack dab in the middle of South America; Suriname, Guyana, and French Guiana

-More on business franchises down in LA (or should we say general scarcity of franchises)

- What about US born Latins who come down as Expats? Does the legendary “Gringo Advantage” work for them too? Well, not quite……

-Fallen heroes; the unspoken re-socialization problems of illegals who get caught in the USA and deported back to their home Latin countries. What happens to them after having had a taste of North American living and those 1st World (relatively speaking) paychecks?

-When Latin men cry;

Yup, they can sure turn on the crocodile tears. And when all else fails, that’s what happens when a Latin guy gets caught in the act of cheating on his girlfriend/wife. And she often falls for it- does she have a choice? And yes folks, as you’ve probably already figured out, if a 1st World guy is anywhere in the vicinity, the “Gringo Advantage” strikes again!

-A very unusual, but definitive sign, that signals a Latin girl in love.

The Expat Files

Exploring that strange dichotomy; namely, why Latin American small towns are very safe even when situated in countries not recommended by the US state department. (the famous US State department “feces” list). The “regular” police-vs- the “tourist” police Another expensive 1st World donation gone wrong; more of how 1st World charities and governments donate valuable stuff that ends up in the 3rd World crapper. The real dirt on opening your very own 1st World franchise business down in LA, and what about the local Latin franchise competition?  Successful 3rd world companies often do sell franchises in LA, and even though they’re usually decidedly less than mediocre by our standards, they somehow get away with it and often make a ton of money (down here in LA of course) But when they try to penetrate the 1st World franchise market they almost never succeed except under very special circumstances.

The Expat Files

-Hints on what gifts to get Latin friends or Latin family members for Christmas (or anytime) . -If you’re an interior decorator, forget about having a decent career in LA. Bad taste is the rule; and often the more money a Latin has, the more Elvis-like his or her taste becomes (er.., sound familiar again?) -“It’s much better to give than receive” or is it? Well it is, especially in regards to those occasionally hideous religious-themed gifts you’re bound to get from your Latin friends and acquaintances. So, what do you do when you get one? -Of toilets and toilet seats; the delicate subject of the restroom -The bottom line costs of setting up a small business in various countries in Latin America -Some words regarding the least and most expensive countries to live, work, play and/or retire (or set up a business) in Latin America