The Expat Files: Living in Latin America

The Expat Files

Mormons Mormons everywhere! What do they actually do down here? And how come they don’t get robbed? Good intentions gone wrong. The real dope on big and small nonprofits and charities that come to LA do their good deeds (at least they think they’re doing good). Tips on how to make sure your charitable dollars and contributions actually do some good A true story of what happened when a good-hearted Canadian (and I) went to visit the young Honduran girl he’d been supporting for years by donating to one of those “Help the Children” mega-charities. What an eye-opener! Latins, litter, garbage and other bad habits they take wherever they go (including up to the 1st World) and why LA cities are absolutely infested with paper and plastic junk. Security tips when leaving your home or business unattended for a day or more. What Latin thieves and bad guys are most afraid of- PART ONE.

The Expat Files

Though real I-pods and Nanos are down here in a small way, Apple laptops are almost nonexistent in LA; some solid reasons why it’s a good idea for Expats to switch to a PC clone when that Apple laptop finally dies. Digital animators and other highly-trained folks in impossibly hi-tech jobs are alive and well and doing their magic down in LA (for $500 a month). They’re all part of the outsourcing phenomena that’s draining the life out of the 1st world economy, and those jobs will never come back. Ever wonder why are there are so many Latino soldiers in the US military, and why in such disproportionate numbers? It’s that special program that guarantees young disenfranchised male illegals eventual citizenship, as long as they do their killing in Afghanistan (instead of Chicago, NYC or Los Angeles). How astute Expats can get taken to the cleaners by LA car dealers- a true story how they can trick the average Latin (and scam know-it-all Expats too!)

The Expat Files

How playing a musical instrument like guitar or piano really breaks the ice in LA, (even if you only know the first five bars of “Louie Louie”) I answer the many email queries about my own tortured path along the way to becoming a permanent Expat (and winning big in the game of life). Low and high profiles, and how to stay out of trouble in bad neighborhoods Why the biggest Latin music stars, though hugely successful in their own countries and regions, almost never break out into international fame (the only exception being the hot Colombian diva, Shakira). And its not about the language barrier, since nearly all of them speak English. You’ll be surprised! The real Mariachi band phenomena (not those corner Mexican restaurant versions), and a little bit about Ranchero music, Latin rock, and other popular Latin music styles that most Expats can’t stomach for more than three minutes.

The Expat Files

Q: What is Reggaeton music anyway? A: The Latin youth culture’s answer to Hip-Hop and Rap music (that Expats just love to hate). And unfortunately, like Hip-Hop and Rap (which Expats also love to hate), Reggaeton is everywhere in LA, so get used to it. Can Expat Spanish speakers decipher the lyrics in those hit Spanish songs? Well, fuggeddaboudit. We Expats can’t even understand the lyrics in our own 1st World songs, so how can we translate Spanish hits? It’s mission impossible for anything but the slowest ballad, The truth about Chicharrones; they’re that all time favorite heart-clogging Latin junk food made out of 100% pig fat! Yuk! Why is LA so chock full of outstanding musicians that can never make a living at it? T.E.F. finally answers the age-old burning question as to why Gringos just can’t dance. (and some smooth tips for all of you bad dancers from a hot Latina expert).

The Expat Files

-The many ways of motivating those lazy customs officials to push your stuff thrugh the system, Part 2 -What happens when the customs guys first crack open your shipping container? You and your lawyer should be there to make sure there’s no hanky panky. -The final step; transporting your shipped goods from the customs port to your residence. The state of the trucking and hauling business, and the truth about all those GPS stickers (98% are fake). And by the way, since truckers occasionally haul around an Expat’s entire life’s worth of goods, these guys must be bonded in case of damage or accident, right? Bonded you say? Err, what’s that, Gringo! -The government’s idiotic classifications of imported vehicles, and the thoroughly confusing way in which they are taxed, and how politicians sneakily exempt their own vehicles (and those of their families and friends) and how the public gets fooled again. -How low income people buy and sell cheap cars (er,.. junks) and avoid taxes. Their methods are not exactly above board, but no one really cares, since the poor folks don't count for much (except at voting time).

The Expat Files

-Breaking news from the “Switzerland of Latin America” Costa Rica; 48000 healthcare workers and govt. employees take to the streets as the president announces that the national health care, social security and pension systems are hopelessly insolvent (sound familiar?) -Should you drive or ship your own car down to Latin America? The surprises in store when you attempt to do so. -True tales of bribery and extortion while driving from the USA all the way down to Panama. The do’s, don’ts., and warnings. -Dealing with customs and customs officials. How to cut your import taxes when mporting vehicle, container, or household goods. Everything's negociable, if you know the tricks! -Did you know that 98% of all the cars and trucks in LA are stick-shift manual transmission? So to all you Expat wanabees, especially the ladies, you better learn what a clutch is (or pay an extra 20% for an automatic down here)

The Expat Files

-Some prepublication news about my new book “The Expat Files Guide to Love and Romance in Latin America - “Clear Eye Syndrome”; why blue or green eyed adults, adolescents and babies have a real leg up in LA life. And why blond, fair skinned, blue or green eyed Expats have that very same advantage in love, romance and business down here (and you don’t even need all three, or even two of those traits… blue eyes alone will win you the LA lottery). - More of what long-term Expats DON’T miss about the 1st World. -Food safety and food inspections are almost nonexistent. A recommendation; don’t eat meat unless you know the farmer. On the other hand, the seafood is terrific, but as usual, there are some caveats.

The Expat Files

-In response to the many emails, Johnny Mueller expounds on what the vast majority of long-term Expats DON’T miss about the 1st World. And it’s quite a list! -Some truths about the weather down here that will really take you by surprise, and some facts about the climate only local Latins and Expats truly understand. -Having that beach house getaway (everyone’s desire) and how Locals and Expats can, and do, pull it off. -If you want all of the 4 seasons, you can have them, but only in ‘southern’ South America. -What happens if you’re delinquent on your property taxes (or a non-payer)?

The Expat Files

- When home grown Latin Businesses try to copy 1st World methods, there’s always an obvious fatal flaw (to us not them). - In response to the many emails that continue to ask me the question; what do I miss about the 1st World, if anything? Here’s a list of things that Expats living down here miss about the 1st World. - Books, literary folks, reading in general, libraries, and observations on the fatally flawed Latin (so-called) intellectual class.

The Expat Files

- Driver’s license issues. What happens when you get pulled over and your 1st World license is expired? (sometimes it depends how much cash you have on you). - Two ways of getting a driver’s license in Latin America; the cheap (but very long and tortured way), or the very fast(and more expensive way). - Tips on how to drive legally down here even if you only have an expired US or other 1st World driver’s license. - The unsettling facts and hurdles Expats encounter when trying to obtain permanent legal residence status in a Latin country (and all about the fancy ID cards that go with it). - In L.A., they don’t issue temporary learner’s permits for beginning drivers, but if you have one (lets say from Australia, which is good for 5 yrs) the cops will honor it like a full driver’s license (since they don’t know any better). - The Latin American driver’s test (it’s sure not like the one you took in the 1st World).