The Expat Files: Living in Latin America

The Expat Files

Dentistry in LA at 1/3 to 1/4 of 1st World prices. Sounds like a terrific deal and you get a great vacation to boot. But is it really true? Does 3rd World dentistry look, feel and perform as well as the work done by your hi-tech hometown dentist? Will it last as long? And what if you have trouble with it back in the states? These and many more questions answered. You will be truly surprised! Why so much of LA dentistry fails after a few years, and since almost no one ever flosses (less than 10% of LA adults), when things go bad and extractions are necessary, the blame is naturally shifted to the patient, NOT on the crappy dentistry (which has long meant a free pass for thousands of less-than-mediocre LA dentists)! That's why even the worst dentists in LA almost NEVER get sued. Why bad, substandard, and generally filthy LA dental laboratories make for bad dentistry BUT is just another great Expat business opportunity if you have a bit of vision and iniciative.

The Expat Files

Sushi joints; a 1st World business we never thought could make a go of it down here in LA, but still they’re alive and well. And as expected, the standards are not at all up to snuff and eating there should be avoided by Expats, even if the workers use gloves. Inside information and business tips for Expats. It’s a closed society at the top, and if you have any luck at all, you’ll get a constant stream of inside info and have a big edge in business yourself (and insider trading and such is not even illegal-yet). What happens when Expats marry and have kids. The often unsolvable problems that occur when your kids are inevitably propelled into higher class Latin society. Bank runs, why so many LA banks go bust, and how their own executive board members are often the very people that loot them. The lowdown on those all you can eat ‘food buffets’ popping up all over LA. They’ve landed down here in a big way- but look out!

The Expat Files

Water rationing everywhere; and what it means for EXPATS. How to have unlimited H2O at your place, even if every neighbor's house is bone dry and stuck on rationing Everything you never wanted to know about water cisterns and were afraid to ask (but listen up Expats and wanabees, its important you pay attention to this because it will save you a world of grief) The Latins and their building shortcuts, and why almost all LA plumbing jobs eventually spring a leak- that is, unless you know these simple tips Stealing public natural resources and other crimes that no one cares about (and that always go unpunished)

The Expat Files

Why coupons and coupon clipping have never really caught on in LA since there’s nothing easier to counterfeit than coupons (especially when locals have very good pirated software to copy them with) They don’t have “factory rebates”, yet there are ways for Latins (and Expats) to get huge discounts on products and services, if you know how... How certain going businesses appear sound but Expats should NEVER invest in Why 1st World shopping bags are the coolest cachet for Latin 1st World wanabees. And why all Latins have a Disneyland/Disneyworld fetish, which for them is the vacation of a lifetime (go figure). Latins just love T-shirts (new or used) with English lettering (any English lettering). Bring some down, give them as gifts, and be an instant hero with your domestic help, the neighborhood kids and any of your workers Another insider’s story on how hopelessly dysfunctional LA government offices are and how those useless functionaries really operate Q: Where can a boss get away with interviewing a young lady with his hand continuously on her leg? A: In LA of course! Feminists beware; sexual harassment is alive and well and no one does a thing about it.

The Expat Files

Using snail mail in Latin America, it’s both your best and worst option, depending on what you send. How to send packages locally within a Latin country, or from Latin country to Latin country, or from the 1st World to a Latin country or vice versa. And why it’s not a good idea to send packages around Christmas time. The truth about paying that double tariff for ‘registered mail’ in LA. Is 'registered' really better, safer and faster? In three words, NO, NO and NO! What about ordering something via the internet? What about taxes, duties and customs? Is ordering stuff online all that safe and secure? Well, what’s your definition of safe and secure? Here’s a great cheap, fast, and 100% secure way (that's practically unknown by 1st World folks) to ship packages within any LA country

The Expat Files

Why poor personal hygiene and other bad habits infect all classes of Latin men, though really quite rare among Latin females. And Expats are always wondering why in the world Latin women don’t crack the whip on their stinky, uncouth guys? (like women do up in the 1st World always do) The unspoken epidemic of battered women and of sexual abuse within families, why so little gets reported, and the lip service by governments and human rights officials. Married Latin men, their affairs, their mistresses and why Latin women continue to tolerate it. Latin sons grow up to perpetuate the process, so why is it strange that so many 1st world women who marry Latins find out the hard way. Gender discrimination is alive and well down here (that is, unless you are a 1st World woman). What happens when the teenage kids find out daddy has a mistress (and they often do)? You’ll be surprised! A good percentage of Latin dads take their sons to a strip club for their 16th birthday (and dad pays for more than a lap dance) How and why LA’s saturated religiosity doesn’t seem to conflict with the average Latin male’s infidelities

The Expat Files

- The widely misleading terms “poor” and “middle class” and why journalists are to blame for the general confusion. They should be fired or forced to take a basic economics class. -How to get a handle on important dollar figures that are constantly quoted but misconstrued, usually whizzing over our heads without effect. Some easy tips on relating dollar amounts quoted in past history to today’s dollars (i.e. how to make very quick adjustments for inflation right in your head). And what does this have to do with Expats and Latin America? For one thing, if you get it, you won’t get fooled by government price figures again. -When LA countries have their routine currency collapses and hyper-inflation cycles ("damn the printing presses, full speed ahead"), they get bailed out by the IMF, World Bank or the BID. They reissue new funny money and jump on the debt roller coaster all over again. Latins are so numb to major financial blowouts regionally that even the most educated ones cannot see what’s looming ahead worldwide. They think the USA is just having another hiccup and will bounce back as usual. They firmly believe the USA is too big to fail. After all, it is the 1st World man . ("damn the printing presses, full speed ahead!"). -Some very good reasons why you want to be in LA when the next leg of the worldwide financial blowout comes -Job opportunities for motivated Expats and Expat wanabees that pay 1st World money

The Expat Files

-One less LA worry; no high fructose corn syrup (ie; the diabetes and obesity connection). Down here they use 100% cane sugar because it’s cheaper, not because its in any way healthier (we know its bad but less so). In the 1st World, high fructose corn syrup is in practically everything packaged and processed but down here is only available in imported 1st World stuff. -The extreme LA sugar addiction, bad dental hygiene and thus the epidemic of very badly decayed teeth in very young children -Certified dental hygienists (who forever scold us about flossing up in the 1st World), are virtually nonexistent in LA except in a very few high-end tourist destinations and near 1st World style retirement communities. So be forewarned. -Sugar is good for you! And guess what? Its vitamin fortified just like Wonder Bread! At least that’s what the big sugar producers say in their media blitzes down here. Well, so much for truth in advertising. -Notes on the schizophrenic nature of Latin society. For example; though the number #1 family problem happens to be alcoholism, ubiquitous liquor and beer media ads actually tout the excellent health benefits of booze, wine and beer. -How 1st World self-proclaimed “financial and marketing experts” make easy big money doing weekend seminars down here. Latins love everything 1st World, including seminars by has-been blowhards

The Expat Files

-Still more reasons why cities in Brazil are not good picks for Expats, and an Expat Files movie recommendation (shot on location in Brazil) that perfectly reinforces the point. - The truth about high crime rates in Central America, along with some valuable tips including some very good picks for Expats, despite what you've heard about the scary crime rates in those countries. -A true eye witness story (yours truly) of a fascinating serial robbery in broad daylight on a very busy highway in the second most dangerous city in LA -Household Security Part 2. More on the subject of crooks and thieves and the persistent rumors that they'll poison your dog (and then rob your house)

The Expat Files

-Why are LA bus drivers by far the worst drivers in LA measured by per kilometers driven? Why is it that when there’s a serious bus accident, up to 50% of drivers abandon the scene and run for the hills? -When and why it’s sometimes recommended (unofficially, that is) for Expats to actually pay off the other guy with cash money on the scene of a traffic accident, even if it’s the other guy’s fault (and it usually is). -The reasons why you have an 800% greater chance of nailing a pedestrian in LA than you have mowing someone down in the 1st World -Why do ten out of ten Latin lawyers unofficially urge drivers (including Expats) to LEAVE the accident scene in a hurry (a sanctioned hit and run) if you hit a pedestrian. And even though it’s against everything we’ve been taught up in the 1st world, LA lawyers say (unofficially) that you’re screwed if you stick around even if it’s completely the pedestrian’s fault (and it usually is). -Ten out of ten Latin lawyers (unofficially) admit that lying in LA court is pervasive, and that producing false witnesses is common and actually normal, especially in cases when its your word against theirs. -The two most dangerous weeks of the year for LA drivers, and why every Expat eventually develops a deep hatred for LA bus drivers and motorcyclists.